It’s been a while since I’ve posted. If you’ve liked the FB Page, you realize by now that I have no shortage of things to talk about. There’s just so much to say and I feel that it’s important for me to interact with you. I know everyone won’t read these posts, so I share a lot with you there to promote a sense of community and support. I encourage you to share, too. It’s so helpful to all of us.

This post has been stewing for about two weeks and I’m SO glad to finally sit down and share it.

I’ve spent the last 10+ years of my life in dire straits. I’ve suffered the loss of a child, a marriage, and almost myself. My story is my own, but I know that life has been tough for us all. The emotional pain I’ve endured was definitely compounded by numerous health issues. If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know that I’ve had issues with mobility due to pain in my back, joints, and feet, and that I’m a cardiac patient and have been on heart medication since my 20′s. My weight has prevented me from enjoying life in many, many ways. Before surgery, the cardiologist essentially threw up his hands and told me that if I didn’t lose weight, I could have a stroke. What do you do with that? What do you say?

If you’re new to this blog, you know I’ve had surgery, but you might not know what a miracle the entire process was. You can read about that in a previous blog post entitled, “What Kind of Love is This?”. My life is DRASTICALLY different now. Much of my physical pain has subsided (except for the kind that comes after strength training). I can stand and walk with relative ease. This is as close to “normal” as I’ve felt in a long time. I’m excited about this. The word “excited” is actually inadequate to describe how I feel about my current physical state. I’m very grateful.

“Normal” is a relative and dynamic. I understand this. For me, it’s a sense of physical well-being. It’s improved mobility. It’s walking into a room without drawing looks and unwanted attention. For others, it’s feeling comfortable in their clothes or addressing a medical issue and seeing results. Whatever “normal” is for you, pursue it. If your already feeling “normal”, cherish it and don’t take it for granted. I never will.

It’s common to strive for greatness. To do so is admirable. That being said, I’m learning more each day that my recent victories have been won in the ordinary and mundane aspects of life. For example, if I can make exercising daily, “normal”, eventually, it won’t be such a big deal. That’s alright with me. It’s actually perfect. When exercising is “normal”, losing weight won’t be such a chore. It will just happen.

I’m so grateful for “normal”. It’s such a wonderful, beautiful gift that I’m working diligently to embrace. I understand now that it’s why I started Fight4yourlife. It’s very obvious to me that I’m alive to help others aspire to live extraordinarily “normal” lives.

Photo Credit: CHEERFUL PEOPLE © Allegretto | Dreamstime.com

Photo Credit: DUMBBELL © Fritz Langmann | Dreamstime.com

I’ve been talking a lot lately about feeling better in the skin I’m in. I’ve taken cues from Liz over at Big Beautiful Wellness on how to rock my sexy at whatever stage I’m at. I’m really working on that. I got some new bras on the way. I’m shopping for new undergarments to stuff my jigglies into…not because I’m ashamed of them, but because they keep moving when I stop and I’ve almost fallen over a couple of times. I have an ample amount of sexy junk in my trunk. It just needs to be tamed a bit, especially since surgery.

I think I’ve come to this crossroads in my life because of the changes that are taking place in my body. I can see shape. I can see curves. I can see me. More than that, though, I’m finally  facing the self-loathing I’ve used as a crutch for so many years. Being fat, as mentally, emotionally, and physically damaging as it can be, would just be easier for me right now. There. I said it. I could keep wearing my tent dresses, eating bad food, and just give up. I’d go right back where I started, but “going gently into the dark night” would mean I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. I’m always fighting. Always.

That being said, there’s no way I’m going to stop now. I’ve always felt attractive, but I’m just starting to feel beautiful. I can see that I’m breaking into the realm of what’s “acceptable” or “normal”. I don’t get as many freakish stares when I walk through the doors of stores or restaurants. The migration of my lady parts and such moving southward has me kinda struggling with the sexy, but it doesn’t matter because, regardless of what I think,  I’m starting to understand clearly that I’ve been beautiful and sexy all along. As crazy as it might seem to me, I am not deemed “normal” or “acceptable” because of what people say about me or because of how they “size” me up. I’ve always been acceptable because of the value that God placed on my life. Go figure.

I didn’t treat myself well in the past. I used my weight to justify accepting treatment and relationships that were bad for me. Why do we do this to ourselves? I made SO many bad decisions because I settled for what I could get. I won’t even get into the pressure from men in BBW Chatrooms and such. That’s a whole other post. Suffice it to say that I wish I’d known that my health was my business, my choice, and my responsibility. Any man who couldn’t accept that needed to kick rocks. I entertained some mess (like men pressuring me to stay big for their pleasure) and suffered for it.

Bottom line, at 565 lbs, I was sick, super morbidly obese, sexy, beautiful me. Now, I’m working on being the sick, super morbidly obese, sexy, beautiful, empowered, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthier me. How about you? Can we do this together? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I could sure use the support.

This will be a quick one, but I had to get this out of my system. So a few of my friends and confidants have been talking about starting the Atkins way of life. Our wise, illustrious matriarch, Christal LaFountain is leading the charge and she talks about her latest adventure in her recent blog post, Day Two ~ Phase One. I’m really excited about us learning and supporting each other in the process.

The interesting thing is that I’ve resisted following any organized eating plan (i.e., “diet”). I figured that I shouldn’t have to. I had weight loss surgery, received instructions from my nutritionist and I’m supposed to just lose weight until I hit some magical goal, right? I felt that if I needed extra “help”, that meant I’d failed and my surgery was a wash.

I’m starting to realize that this isn’t so. My surgery is a tool. Atkins is a tool, too. My nutritionist told me to eat “protein first, veggies next, and  anything else I could fit in, third. Sounds pretty “Atkinsy” to me. It’s about perception. The only thing that really matters is that I’m leading a healthier lifestyle and losing weight. Why not have some help with that?

So if you’ve had weight loss surgery (or even if you haven’t), and you’re considering doing Atkins, Weight Watchers, Medifast, or anything else that you feel will help you find the structure you need to get even closer to reaching your goals, don’t hesitate any longer like I did. You’re not cheatin’ on your surgery. You’re just adding a tool to your weight loss arsenal.

Photo Credit: © Lindamstyle

I posted a pic on the wall of the Fight for Your Life fan page on Facebook this week. In the description, I stated that I was embracing my “lovely lady lumps”. Yes. I’m embracing them, but feeling completely free to wave my “hangy belly” or (to use the proper medical term, panniculus) about is something I’m still working on.

I’m an avid long shirt wearer. I’ll go to great lengths (pardon the pun) to make sure my stomach is covered. I don’t know if any of you have ever stretched a shirt over the back of the chair, or tried to get in the fetal position to stretch a shirt over your knees so it would be nice and long and loose when you put it on. No one but me has ever done that, right?

So, I’m wearing more fitted clothes and shorter shirts, but the one thing that still causes me to worry about letting “hangy belly” swing free is the stares. I get them all the time. I got them tonight. I walked into the store and instead of looking me in the eye, people seemed to be drawn to my belly. I want so badly to look down at my belly and look back up at them, as if to say, “Is something on me? What do you see?” (ok, I’ve actually done that a time or two), but I don’t really want to embarrass them. I know it’s human nature to look longer at things were not used to seeing. I totally get that. If I was average-sized and looked more like everyone else, I wouldn’t have gotten a second look. But I demand attention when I walk into a room or a building. I’m “different” and the stares make me feel SO self-conscious. I’m working to get over it, though. And I know that there are health (especially skin) problems that can arise from having a belly this size. I’m staying on top of those, too.

I never wanted to be that person in middle and high school who was large and had the nerve (or confidence) to wear their shirt tucked in and pants pulled high under their waste. Though I still wouldn’t do that now, I’m tired of hiding. I am fully aware that my pants seam splits my hangy belly in front making it resemble a butt of sorts, but so be it. It’s my hangy belly and it will get even more hangy as I lose more weight. It’s a happy problem for now, and I’ll address it when it’s not so happy.

In the meantime, though I wish people wouldn’t look at it, it’s time for me to care a lot less about showing it off.

[tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNsO79_rpt0[/tube]

Sausage Spetzofai Ingredients

This dish starts with 1 lb of spicy country sausage. I’m using a nice spicy Italian sausage. We’re going to cut it into about 1-inch pieces. And for the rest of the ingredients we need:

• 2 chopped bell pepper
• 1 chopped onion (I also added three cloves of  garlic…’cause I LOVE garlic)
• 6 Greek pepperoncini, which are a little bit spicy
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1/2 cup tomato – I used canned plum tomatoes because tomatoes aren’t in season

Heat the Spetzofai Sausages

In a saute pan, take 3 tbsp of olive oil and on medium heat, and saute the sausage pieces until they are nicely brown. Take your time, you want some nice color and caramelization on there. See that. Here’s a sausage close up. A nice color on those is going to help flavor the dish. It’s also going to cook out some of the extra fat.

Add the Onions

Once those have cooked for 7-8 minutes, you could drain these in a colander, but I’m going to tilt the pan and use a paper towel to wipe out the excess grease. Then dump in the onions and cook those until they get nice and soft, sweet and slightly browned. About 5-6 minutes on medium heat.

Cook the Peppers

Then add the peppers. Throw in the pepperoncini, I’m going to leave them whole, I just want to subtly flavor this with a little heat and sharpness from the brine. I’m not going to cut those so people can pick them out. I’m going to put in the 1/2 cup of tomatoes diced, the dried oregano, and a couple tablespoons of wine, red or white.

Serve the Spetzofai

Cook that on medium heat until the vegetables are just tender. You can leave them a little crisp if you want, but I like to cook them almost soft. And that’s it! So simple. Now, you could add garlic to this dish, but my sausage had a lot of garlic so I didn’t, but that’s up to you. Serve that warm.

It’s very versatile; great with eggs, great with potatoes, rice, pasta, or just serve it like this, as is. There we go, that is our Greek spetzofai, much easier to make than say, by the way. I hope you give it a try. Enjoy.

Video and Transcript (Including Recipe): Courtesy of ©About.com

I feel like I’ve been asleep for awhile. I’m awake now.

I’m going to give everyone fair warning. This post will be ALL OVER THE PLACE. Just stick with me. I beg of you. I have a lot to share, but I won’t drag on and on. I promise.

So, I have to say that if you’re reading this, you’re a trooper. I have been pretty depressed and as I was reading some of my most recent posts, it’s pretty obvious. I can’t really apologize for it. I mean, I take blogging pretty seriously and I feel like I need to share honestly or not at all. My blogging has definitely transitioned from light and ethereal, to hopeful, then to brooding, and finally, to downright ominous. My posts are bi-polar. I’m not making light of that condition. I really feel that they show me high and low and high again. But I can say that this is really how it is for me. I’m settling into the reality of this “lifestyle” and it’s not all good. It’s not all bad, either. It’s a lot of both. It’s rises and falls and loopty-loops. I just have to remain “me” through it all. That’s why I share honestly and I think that’s best.

That being said, I need you to know something. You will never get a post from me stating that I have “arrived”. I might reach a goal weight one day. I know I will. But I’ll always have an issue with food. I’ll also always realize that people reading this blog will be at various mental and emotional stages of their weight loss. I will never, ever insinuate that I’m finally thin and I’ve “made it”. I will always be considerate of where you are and what you might be dealing with. I will also ALWAYS believe that “thin” should not be the ultimate goal for any of us, but optimal health and mastering food should be, most definitely. That came from left field, but I had to get it off my chest.

I shared a lot in my last post, Stormy. As I stated above, it was honest. I’m only talking about it again because I want everyone to know how blessed I am to have this outlet and how IMPORTANT it is (whether you blog or not) not to suffer silently. If not for my wonderful boss and my friends: the small business marketing maven, Vanita; Christal, the voice of reason and all things sound; and lover of all of us, her family, and all things cupcake, Waning Woman, I might have lost it over the last few days. And, I must say, the person who replied to that post anonymously said words that were more helpful than she could ever, ever realize. God spoke to and comforted me through all of you. We can’t buy the lie that we’re all alone. We must reach out. We must. I must.

The high will be 90 degrees on Labor Day. That’s major. When I think back to last Sunday when it was 112 degrees (that was the actual temperature, not the heat index), the idea of 90 degrees is heavenly;  like sweater-weather. I’m so excited. This brutal summer has taught me that I have a major aversion to walking in the heat, but walking in cooler temps makes me hopeful. I think the very idea of it motivates me. I can’t wait for our first cool front. So in the next few weeks as Fall takes hold, if you’re looking for me, I’ll probably be outside walking, enjoying the air and getting back to the adventures I loved so much when I started on this journey. I love you all. I mean it.

Photo Credit: © Chris Vika | Dreamstime.com

Photo Credit: © Martin Holek | Dreamstime.com