Watch this video on YouTube.

You might remember from my last post that I’m wrists deep in recovery. I’m just starting out and I won’t harp on that, either. What I will say is that I’m changing. I had no idea I’d become the person that I had. I was so very sad. I put on like all was well, but it wasn’t. In all honesty, I’d slipped into such a deep depression, so fed up with everything and everyone that I just wanted to quit. I wanted to pull up the proverbial sidewalk and call it a day…or a life.  The most interesting/saddest/most ironic/funniest thing is that what kept me going was food. When I would dread waking up in the morning, the idea of grazing at my desk while I eased into the day, got me out of bed. There was no lunch. I ate from the time I got to work until lunchtime passed. When there was no more lunch, I ate candy. Piece after piece of candy. Tootsie Rolls, Starbursts, Laffy Taffy, and chocolate (when I was crazy enough to order it for my co-workers). When I was just to embarrassed to eat any more candy, I’d chew through a pack of gum (ok, so I still likes the gum). Food functioned as my coping mechanism. It was my medicine.

I won’t go into the details of how this is beginning to change. I promised I wouldn’t. What I will say is that stopping my life (like one of those movies when time stops, everyone freezes, and even liquid is suspended in the air) and addressing my deepest spiritual, mental, and emotional needs is yielding tremendous benefit. More than tremendous. More like miraculous. This brings me to the point of this post. I am learning that I am utterly useless alone. I am prone to ugly isolation that makes it so easy to lie to myself and to others. Being honest and leaning on those who make themselves available to me has been my salvation. I’ve spent many years carrying everything; feeling responsible. I took my cape off and I’m learning true dependence. I never knew the freedom it could bring.

To clarify, I’m not talking about the kind of dependence in which you try to retain the right to be “right” all the time, or to take down your guard for a time, but dwell on the fact that you have “the answers”. No, I’m not talking about doing anyone any favors. I’m talking about dependence on God and on others that requires risk on your part. I’ve risked a lot recently, but it’s been more than worth it. I’ve gleaned strength and ability that I’d been taught that I had all my life, but had never learned to put in action. Like I said. It’s a miracle.

So now, I get up grateful, not mad. When my mind wants to run down a list of things to be anxious and fearful about in the day ahead, I flip a switch. No, really. It’s just like that. I choose to be thankful. It has nothing to do with me. I’m just willing, wide open,  and desperate for change. No, I’m operating on God’s power at work in me and the love that I feel when I lean on those who’ve made themselves available to me. This is real. I see the changes taking place. No one can take this from me and I have no plans on giving it away.

I have a long way to go, but I’m good for today. By faith, I know I’m finally free.

Photo Credit Pills on a Plate : Piyachok Thawornmat

As you might know, I’ve had weight loss surgery. In my mind, overeating seems kind of silly and should be a non-issue. You see, though I realize it’s possible to “eat through” your restriction or even regain wait after surgery, I really felt I had things under control. I perused the blogs and forums and saw all of the beautiful stories and stared in awe at the before and after pictures. I’ve even posted a few posts and pictures of my own. I have posted recipes and written about “wrapping your mind” around what causes you to eat the wrong things. I’ve shared posts on exercising and eating healthy. I’ve done so much in an effort to help everyone “master” the things I thought I had mastered so that others could lose weight, too. I experienced something recently that caused many of my perceptions to change. I don’t have it together. I don’t know what to do about the way I use food. Though I can go for days or weeks doing “the right thing”, I always revert back to the behaviors that caused me to weigh almost 600 lbs.

On Monday, March 12th, I attended my very first Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Hi, I’m Angel and I’m a compulsive overeater.

I hesitated to share this and I really feel that I must keep this journey as personal as possible so that I don’t do what I always do; set myself up for perfection/failure. I talk too much and I set unreasonable expectations of myself, then spiral downward when my humanity rears it’s ugly head. How dare it do that? At coffee after today’s meeting, I heard someone say, “Be gentle with yourself”. That’s new to me, but it’s about time I started.

This will be my first and last post about this journey, but please know that, if you’re reading this and your think you might be a food addict, I can point you in the direction of learning how to determine whether you are. I can help you find a meeting, and I’ll be there for you if you decide to take the journey. I’m just starting out, but we can go together.

I took this coin last Monday. It symbolized a new beginning in my life, though I don’t really fully understand it yet. What I do know is that, though I was raised in the Church, I’ve never really been in a position to wholly depend on God to help me make it from day to day. So much is new to me and I’m happy to say that I have no plan to beat myself up about what I should have already known or done by now. I can’t change the past. I don’t have to claim perfection. Being connected and accountable to others must become my lifestyle, even when I feel the overwhelming need to isolate (which is something that I’ve turned to a lot recently).

I met a lady who started in OA about six years ago. She was over 400 lbs then, but now she’s a PE teacher and is well under 150 lbs. She was an encouragement to me, not because she was so thin, but because she did it by complete dependence on God, her sponsor, and working the steps. In today’s meeting, I told the group that I needed to be reprogrammed because of where I’ve been mentally over the last couple of years since surgery. Driving and pushing to meet a certain caloric intake level, beating myself up, trying to meet a weight goal, pressure, pressure, pressure, all without ever dealing with the real issue; my addiction to food.  It became too much and I just got frustrated, depressed, and gained weight. It was so cyclical. I’d get upset, eat, then beat myself up for not being who I set myself up to be and eating to take that pain away.

No more. I need help. The compulsion to turn to food when I’m hurting or sad or FEEL ANYTHING is real in my life. It’s not about weight. There are people of all sizes in the meetings and all of them recognize that food is their drug of choice. I knew it was mine, but never made an effort or took the steps to make things better. I felt powerless and weak. I had no idea this was just where I needed to be.

I bought the book containing and in-depth study of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous. I also bought the accompanying workbook. I’d love to say I was excited about starting to read them and work in them, but I’m petrified. I’ve been looking at the book sit there on my bed all day. Even after losing over 150 lbs, food is my safe place and I have been the one working to keep it at bay, to no avail. I want to know what it’s like for food not to be my everything; my way to cope. But if not food, what will I have? What will I lean on to cope? I’ve never felt so raw and vulnerable, but I know if I’m to go on from here and have a fulfilling life, not just meet my weight loss goal (which must no longer be of utmost importance when it was once primary), I must lock in, be gentle with myself, and make this journey one day at a time with no timeline and no pressure.

If you think you might want to at least inquire about this journey to recovery, go to the Overeaters Anonymous Website and park there for a while. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’d be happy to share what I’ve experienced so far. I will say that just being aware of my food “triggers” (or foods or types of foods that cause me to eat more and more) and just starting again to be more aware, I’ve lost four pounds. More than that, though, I’ve met some amazing people I can be completely open with, who won’t judge me or compare me to anyone else, and who know what it’s like to truly, truly depend on a Power outside of one’s self to not just lose weight, but to change life as it’s been known, forever.

Honestly, there’s not much to it. I just wanted to share a few things that you might not know about me. Some of you might know some things, but I don’t think any of you know it all.

So, here goes.

1. I am not an only child. I have a brother. You won’t hear much about him because we’re not really involved in each other’s lives. I hate that, but it is what it is. He’s 10 years younger than me.

2. I am a preacher’s kid. What they say is true. I’m glad that’s all behind me.

3. I’m very intrigued by art and architecture. Shapes and colors mesmerize me.

4. My mother, her mother, and her mother’s grandmother all had breast cancer. My mom was the only one who survived it.

5. I speak SOME French. I sound pretty good, but I’m very rusty. I also can’t understand too well unless it’s spoken slowly.

6. I have a 16GB iPod. I haven’t even begun to come close to filling it and I don’t think I’ll ever come close. I’m a music snob and I bore easily.

7. I very rarely watch a movie twice. Again, I bore easily.

8. I’m on my second (and final) marriage.

9. I’ve driven a taxi cab. Local friends and family love me for it, especially during rush hour.

10. I used to be a brawler. I hung with really tough girls in junior high and high school. We fought a lot and I lived a double life. I was an honor student and put people in the hospital. I’m not proud.

11. I’m a mom. My little one, Kandace Alyse, went on to be with God before we got a chance to meet, but both she and I are better for it. It’s all good.

Photo Credit: Art In Meadow

Photo Credit: Transport

when you see this picture?

“Angel? Before I found out about SS vs SS, I always thought people who are obese were “asking for it”. After watching four whole seasons, I realize I am wrong and emotions do play a strong role in everything including diet. I looked at your channel and you definitely got slimmer. I am happy for you! Keep up the healthy lifestyle! Danni would be proud of you! Also, when you watch this video again, what goes through your mind? And how did you end up making this video?”

Tentenlaw 7 hours ago

(If you haven’t seen said video, here’s the link to the clip. Supersize vs Superskinny S04E07 P3)

What’s interesting is that reading this person’s comments prompted me to look at others. I hadn’t seen the video in a while and wouldn’t have thought to view the comments. When I started to read them, I was shocked. Hurt a little, maybe. But not really. It’s weird. People had some very interesting things to say about me personally.

“I feel so bad for the obese black woman. Anyone who thinks this size is sexy must be out of their minds. There’s nothing sexy about people becoming incapacitated like this! Very, very sad! :*(“

I had a nice talk with a special friend who encouraged me to keep blogging, but also made me feel comfortable with taking my blog in a different direction. She explained that she felt the same way I did about beating the dead “weight loss surgery” horse, but felt that since we’d done it so long, it had become more of a chore than a joy. I definitely meant all I’ve ever said in my blog. I’ve just changed. My feelings and thoughts and actions have evolved. I find myself needing to be “liberated”. I have to live what I’ve talked about so long. That’s it.

So that’s just what I’m doing. On any given day, you might find me talking about anything. Spirituality (not religion), relationships, current events, and true (not just physical) health are all things I hold dear or find interesting. You might even read some of my poetry or see some of my artistic offerings…I am so much more than I’ve allowed myself to show you here and that has to change. I’m excited to see what God has in store for me this year and I’m excited to share it with you.

Now. Back to my original thought. Yes, I’m still fat and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be so fat. Do you know that in all my blogging and even in my own personal thoughts, I’ve never expressed that this is what I wanted. Not this way. So, I’ll also be blogging about how I want to look. You already know about my health issues and that I want to feel better. I told you I was going to embrace my body and my style. So I can’t stray away from weight loss and fitness completely. You just won’t be beat over the head with it anymore.

I’m finally going to own up to my desire to be fashionable and chic. Imagine that. I’ve fought that for years. I thought it meant you were shallow. I know who I am and I want to look good. It’s been coming on for a while, but I finally caught the bug. I own it now. I’ll love you all forever. Keep reading. This will definitely be fun.

Photo Credit: © Tulip

I will not tell you how my life has changed. I’ve talked about that for at least a year. What I’m trying to figure out now is what comes next. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve not gotten close to my goal. I know it’s out there somewhere, but I’ve driven myself crazy over the last few months thinking about it. I’ve got to occupy myself until I get there and do the right things on the way. I need to have fun and enjoy life. I need to exercise. I decided that I’d do a 5k to help MAKE me exercise. Yeah, I said it. I’m doing the “ZOOMA Texas Half Marathon & 5k”. I have no idea what to expect, but I’ve told the world. My boss has even signed up to do it with me. There’s no turning back now. That’s enough about that. I don’t want to think about it, I just have to do it.

I’m looking forward to the holidays. I’m going to enjoy my family and actually take vacation! The other thing I’m really excited about is seeing/holding my new baby cousin for the first time (I’m sorry, cosin, I had to post this adorable picture).

We’re making unconventional food for the holidays. I know that chicken wings will be on the menu, but I’m not sure what else. I have decided that there is no need for self-induced agony. I’m going to really enjoy the season and make the most of time with my family. I’m looking forward to that more than ever this year. Last year, I was so weirded out about just having surgery and being “the cook” in my family. This year, that’s not such an issue. I just don’t feel like doing all the work!

The 5k’s at the end of March. I’ve been testing myself lately by taking every opportunity to walk more and be on my feet when I can. I know I mentioned it already in this post, but I’m going to have to become a lot more dedicated to pull it off.

I must make a point to thank all of you. You’ve been here with me through all my highs and lows and I thank you. This coming year will be AMAZING!!! Just watch.