Inspired
Published February 19, 2012 | 
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that, though this thing I’m typing in is a WordPress “blogging mechanism”, I’m not really a “blogger”. I haven’t looked up a definition of one (if there is such a thing), but I’m almost sure that I lack the main characteristic a blogger should posses – consistency. I admit it. I don’t get on here so much. There are a lot of reasons, I guess. One reason is that I don’t want to put undue pressure on myself to say something when I don’t have anything useful to say. I love interacting with the Fight for Your Life Family on Facebook. It meets a real need for me. The one-on-one contact I have with you really blesses my soul. You all are why I keep fighting. You are my family. I dare not call it a fan page. I don’t get the fan thing. It kind of weirds me out. You guys know what the page is for and I honestly don’t want to be the focus of it. It’s not about me. It’s all about you.
But you know that.
I think I refrain from writing sometimes because I feel like if post for posting’s sake, it’s like saying “I love you”, too much. I’d say you could never say it enough, but I really do feel like saying it too much causes the words to lose their value. But that’s just my weird perception of things. The cool thing about writing is, if you’re writing for your own satisfaction or to share yourself with others, there are no hard and fast rules. Sure, you want people to want to read and look for your writing. Being consistent is preferential because people come to expect it and are ready for it when it comes. That being said, I’m finding out that whenever I share, there’s always someone watching. I might never know it, but those who need to see it, do. I came to this conclusion this week.
I have a good friend named Roy. I’ve known him for a few years now and we’ve been through a lot together. We were co-workers and I used to spend a lot of time with he, his wife, and their kids. They were like family to me. They accepted me completely and always made me feel at home when I visited them. I love his children like my own. We have a very special bond.
A couple of years ago, I watched him endure something that most couldn’t have lived through. Think of the man in the Bible named Job. His family was taken from him, his friends deserted him, his body was stricken. Now think about this happening to someone in this day and time. This “someone” would be Roy. I watched it all. I cried with him, I prayed with him, I hurt with him, and watched him change inside. He lived through it all. He fought and prayed and he made it.
In the process of trying to start over and establish himself in a new city, he’d gained some weight. He and I had talked so many times in the past about our need to be healthier. When I visited his family, they would always work to accommodate my dietary needs. I loved them for that and I had so much fun cooking with the girls and making trips to Central Market in San Antonio. When things went awry with his family, I can imagine that the stress he endured contributed to his weight gain.
This is Roy in August of last year. Soon after this picture was taken, he had a major medical setback; a gastrointestinal issue that landed him in the hospital. He had to have surgery to correct the issue and it was a major wake-up call for him.
Roy called me last week at work. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but we’re the kind of friends who don’t need to talk everyday. He told me a lot of things, but in the middle of the conversation, he told me he’d sent me some pictures. They’re the ones I’m using in this post. He said that he’d lost 65 lbs since the picture above was taken, and then he got really quiet. I thought the call had dropped. I called his name and he said (his voice trembling), “yeah, I’m still here”. Then he paused again and said, “I just get so excited”. I was so excited for him. I know how it feels to accomplish something you’ve tried to do for so long. I know the freedom that improved health can give, but what he said next caught me off guard. “Angel, you inspired me to lose this weight. I feel like I was able to this because of you”. I was stunned. Then, I was stunned that I was stunned.
When I started doing this, I figured I would spend my life helping people change their lives like mine was changed. So much has changed now and in the process, I stopped looking for my own inspiration. I tired of the groups and the websites and the forums. I just stopped looking. I just focused on interacting on the page and posting every now and then.
Tanita called me and she’s so excited about her journey. Things are finally coming together for her and I’m so happy for her. She sounds very happy and she’s enjoying the meal replacement shakes that Fight for Your Life is providing for her. Just hearing her enthusiasm and excitement in the face of all she’s dealing with on a daily basis, inspires me.
My friend, Olivia, called me today and told me that all of the nurses on her overnight shift in Huntsville, AL are eating better and losing weight after going back and reading the posts on the website. One lady could even relate to the difficulty I had with an incompetent cervix and how the doctor told her that she couldn’t have kids until she lost weight. Her husband left her because of this. That’s amazing to me. I’d never heard of anyone who’d had the same experience. I was completely amazed AND inspired.
This is Roy now, 65 lbs lighter.
When I saw this picture, you could have knocked me over with a feather. How awesome is this? I was smiling from ear to ear. I am so proud of him for his dedication. I’m happy about his progress. Seeing him this happy and knowing where he’s come from warms my heart. Knowing that there are people out there fighting makes me want to keep fighting. Knowing that I had even a little bit to do with inspiring them to fight, inspires me
My 11 Things
Published January 26, 2012 | This post has been rumbling around my head for few weeks now. Actually, it’s been wrinkled up in the bag I take to work. I jotted it down and just haven’t had much time to sit down and write it.
Honestly, there’s not much to it. I just wanted to share a few things that you might not know about me. Some of you might know some things, but I don’t think any of you know it all.
So, here goes.
1. I am not an only child. I have a brother. You won’t hear much about him because we’re not really involved in each other’s lives. I hate that, but it is what it is. He’s 10 years younger than me.
2. I am a preacher’s kid. What they say is true. I’m glad that’s all behind me.
3. I’m very intrigued by art and architecture. Shapes and colors mesmerize me.
4. My mother, her mother, and her mother’s grandmother all had breast cancer. My mom was the only one who survived it.
5. I speak SOME French. I sound pretty good, but I’m very rusty. I also can’t understand too well unless it’s spoken slowly.
6. I have a 16GB iPod. I haven’t even begun to come close to filling it and I don’t think I’ll ever come close. I’m a music snob and I bore easily.
7. I very rarely watch a movie twice. Again, I bore easily.
8. I’m on my second (and final) marriage.
9. I’ve driven a taxi cab. Local friends and family love me for it, especially during rush hour.
10. I used to be a brawler. I hung with really tough girls in junior high and high school. We fought a lot and I lived a double life. I was an honor student and put people in the hospital. I’m not proud.
11. I’m a mom. My little one, Kandace Alyse, went on to be with God before we got a chance to meet, but both she and I are better for it. It’s all good.
Photo Credit: Art In Meadow
Photo Credit: Transport
In Defense of the Fat
Published January 4, 2012 | I got an email notification stating that someone who watched the Supersized vs. Superskinny episode I was on replied to a comment I’d made after it was added on YouTube. It made me know that the risk I took in participating in the show was worth it and that the role I played in the show was effective.
“Angel? Before I found out about SS vs SS, I always thought people who are obese were “asking for it”. After watching four whole seasons, I realize I am wrong and emotions do play a strong role in everything including diet. I looked at your channel and you definitely got slimmer. I am happy for you! Keep up the healthy lifestyle! Danni would be proud of you! Also, when you watch this video again, what goes through your mind? And how did you end up making this video?”
Tentenlaw 7 hours ago
(If you haven’t seen said video, here’s the link to the clip. Supersize vs Superskinny S04E07 P3)
What’s interesting is that reading this person’s comments prompted me to look at others. I hadn’t seen the video in a while and wouldn’t have thought to view the comments. When I started to read them, I was shocked. Hurt a little, maybe. But not really. It’s weird. People had some very interesting things to say about me personally.
“I feel so bad for the obese black woman. Anyone who thinks this size is sexy must be out of their minds. There’s nothing sexy about people becoming incapacitated like this! Very, very sad! :*(“
RedFlower26 5 days ago
“how in the world can someone get that big?! i understand its an addiction but i think that there is a point when you just realize that all of this is just too much,and the worst part is that you have to depend on everyone around..its just sad,makes me wonder :/”
VampireMusic666 6 months ago
How could that black lady become pregnant? Could you imagine anyone having sex with her,ewwwwwww?
xxdiogenescynicxx 5 months ago
I had to include this one, just because it made me smile through my pain…like the cemetery scene on “Steel Magnolias”.
“Angel is gorgeous despite her weight. I mean look at her face! She’s such a beautiful woman. I hope she loses the weight she needs to in order to be healthy. 
”
strive4glamor 7 months ago
I took time to address these comments. I wasn’t nasty or ugly. I made the video for people just like this; people who needed to know the truth about obesity. I know I opened myself up for vulnerability. I’ve even had creepy men try to find me. That was a bit surprising.
I’m coming to grips with who I am and how I got here. I’m not wrong. I’m not broken. I’m different. Food works differently for me. No matter what the world tries to tell me about how inherently bad I am; how maladjusted and slovenly I am; how lazy, good-for-nothing or useless I am, I will always know better. I will always believe that I’m beautiful. I will always fight for my total health. I will not be defined by my width or girth. I will not decide that I’m less than anyone else. I will not say that if only I’d x-y-z, I’d be ok. I’m already ok. I have room for growth and improvement. So does everyone else.
My father (who is very wise) told me something once. He said, “Baby, there are some people walking around who are a lot heavier than you. They just don’t know it because their weight is invisible and yours isn’t”. The longer I live, the more I realize how very true this is.
Photo Credit: Heavy Dumbbells
The “Newness”
Published December 30, 2011 | I’m just over a year out from my surgery and I’m still fat. I’m not as fat as I was, but I’m still fat. The “newness” has worn off. It’s definitely worn off. Hold on one moment. I need to share something important with you. I debated within myself about taking down this blog. I’d become bored with it. No one was giving to support Tanita anymore and she’s gone on to take her life into her own hands (with my unending love and support). I’d lost interest in my own blog and others have, as a result. I mean, how many different ways can you talk about weight loss, surgery, and all that goes with it. Even if I did keep talking about it, isn’t there just so much of WLS talk out there? Aren’t there so many blogs and endless forums that are already covering the topic and doing so very thoroughly and far more effectively than I? How did I end up in this box?
I had a nice talk with a special friend who encouraged me to keep blogging, but also made me feel comfortable with taking my blog in a different direction. She explained that she felt the same way I did about beating the dead “weight loss surgery” horse, but felt that since we’d done it so long, it had become more of a chore than a joy. I definitely meant all I’ve ever said in my blog. I’ve just changed. My feelings and thoughts and actions have evolved. I find myself needing to be “liberated”. I have to live what I’ve talked about so long. That’s it.
So that’s just what I’m doing. On any given day, you might find me talking about anything. Spirituality (not religion), relationships, current events, and true (not just physical) health are all things I hold dear or find interesting. You might even read some of my poetry or see some of my artistic offerings…I am so much more than I’ve allowed myself to show you here and that has to change. I’m excited to see what God has in store for me this year and I’m excited to share it with you.
Now. Back to my original thought. Yes, I’m still fat and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be so fat. Do you know that in all my blogging and even in my own personal thoughts, I’ve never expressed that this is what I wanted. Not this way. So, I’ll also be blogging about how I want to look. You already know about my health issues and that I want to feel better. I told you I was going to embrace my body and my style. So I can’t stray away from weight loss and fitness completely. You just won’t be beat over the head with it anymore.
I’m finally going to own up to my desire to be fashionable and chic. Imagine that. I’ve fought that for years. I thought it meant you were shallow. I know who I am and I want to look good. It’s been coming on for a while, but I finally caught the bug. I own it now. I’ll love you all forever. Keep reading. This will definitely be fun.
Photo Credit: © Tulip
So What’s Next?
Published December 11, 2011 | Can you believe it? I’m writing again.
I will not tell you how my life has changed. I’ve talked about that for at least a year. What I’m trying to figure out now is what comes next. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve not gotten close to my goal. I know it’s out there somewhere, but I’ve driven myself crazy over the last few months thinking about it. I’ve got to occupy myself until I get there and do the right things on the way. I need to have fun and enjoy life. I need to exercise. I decided that I’d do a 5k to help MAKE me exercise. Yeah, I said it. I’m doing the “ZOOMA Texas Half Marathon & 5k”. I have no idea what to expect, but I’ve told the world. My boss has even signed up to do it with me. There’s no turning back now. That’s enough about that. I don’t want to think about it, I just have to do it.
I’m looking forward to the holidays. I’m going to enjoy my family and actually take vacation! The other thing I’m really excited about is seeing/holding my new baby cousin for the first time (I’m sorry, cosin, I had to post this adorable picture).
We’re making unconventional food for the holidays. I know that chicken wings will be on the menu, but I’m not sure what else. I have decided that there is no need for self-induced agony. I’m going to really enjoy the season and make the most of time with my family. I’m looking forward to that more than ever this year. Last year, I was so weirded out about just having surgery and being “the cook” in my family. This year, that’s not such an issue. I just don’t feel like doing all the work!
The 5k’s at the end of March. I’ve been testing myself lately by taking every opportunity to walk more and be on my feet when I can. I know I mentioned it already in this post, but I’m going to have to become a lot more dedicated to pull it off.
I must make a point to thank all of you. You’ve been here with me through all my highs and lows and I thank you. This coming year will be AMAZING!!! Just watch.
What a Difference a Face Makes
Published October 16, 2011 | I never thought I’d do it. Over the last 10 years, I’ve been approached with many business opportunities. I’ve been approached to sell healthcare products, low-cost energy services, even legal services. I’ve tried my hand at a few and always came to the same end: nobody cares, nobody wants it, no one can afford it, what’s the use?
I have to say the fault has been mine. I haven’t had the integrity and determination to focus on much more than the weight loss journey I’ve been on; that and just surviving. That’s about to change because I’m going to change it. I’ve been praying about which way to go and what to do regarding my personal life and Fight4yourlife. I’ve told you all about the things that I want to do concerning my own self-image; my body, my shape, and everything else that’s changing as I lose weight. I told you all that I started counseling to help me with issues that plague me and anyone who suffers with food addiction, as well as many other emotional issues. If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know I love God and know that He’s the reason I am who I am. You also know that I try to be open with you regarding my efforts with attaining physical health. I feel it’s really important to address ourselves as whole people. To that end, I want to take things just one step further, and that’s why I’ve decided that out of all of the opportunities that have been presented to me, I’ve decided to become a Mary Kay consultant.
Make up. Eh. Why make-up? I mean, I love it. Trust me. It does me a WORLD of good. But I know I’m beautiful without it. I embrace my dark circles and blemishes and such. What I’m understanding as I approach 40, though, is that I tend to do better when I can feel good on the outside. Case and point: At my job, I generally feel like crap. If you ask me, I’ll tell you why, but suffice it to say that my days are pretty rough and sometimes, pretty physical. I don’t feel like dressing nice, I don’t feel like doing my hair (what little I have), and I definitely don’t feel like putting on make-up. It’s interesting though. On the days that I do take the time to fix up and “put on my face”, I do better at work. I’m not as mean and grumpy. EVERYONE doesn’t get on my last nerve. What a difference a face makes in my overall outlook. Does that sound shallow…or just realistic?
I think that’s interesting, and I wondered if there are others out there on this journey with me, trying to make sense of it all and get to know their new bodies as they transform. I also felt that maybe, just maybe, taking extra time and care with their skin and using products to enhance their natural beauty might perpetuate the kind of “self-love” and confidence it takes to consistently commit to doing what’s good for them (eating right, exercise, etc.). I also thought that there are others who might not be as focused on losing weight, but moreso on being a stronger, more peaceful, more joyful and content version of themselves. What could a skin care regimen and using products to enhance THEIR natural beauty do for them?
Most importantly, anything I can do to add to the overall mental and emotional well-being of anyone who reads this blog or interacts with the organization, will be beneficial. I want to use this as a platform for information about skin health and beautification. I also want to use it as a means to increase my household income, thereby increasing the amount of money I can personally pour into Fight4yourlife. I’m also looking for an acceptable excuse to get into people’s homes and connect with them and pamper them. There’s so much more to this than meets the eye and I can’t WAIT to see what comes of this. I’m determined to build Fight4yourlife and to work Mary Kay in a way that benefits us all. I do this all with you in mind and I hope you’ll support me in any way you’re able. Click here to go directly to my consultant website. The credit card payment system isn’t linked to the site yet, but my Paypal email is aaustin0828@gmail.com. You can pay there and I’ll place your order when I receive your payment. If you’re local and you’d rather just meet up in person, I’d LOVE to do that, too.
Also, local folks, stay tuned for launch party info!
The Gift of “Normal”
Published October 10, 2011 | It’s been a while since I’ve posted. If you’ve liked the FB Page, you realize by now that I have no shortage of things to talk about. There’s just so much to say and I feel that it’s important for me to interact with you. I know everyone won’t read these posts, so I share a lot with you there to promote a sense of community and support. I encourage you to share, too. It’s so helpful to all of us.
This post has been stewing for about two weeks and I’m SO glad to finally sit down and share it.
I’ve spent the last 10+ years of my life in dire straits. I’ve suffered the loss of a child, a marriage, and almost myself. My story is my own, but I know that life has been tough for us all. The emotional pain I’ve endured was definitely compounded by numerous health issues. If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know that I’ve had issues with mobility due to pain in my back, joints, and feet, and that I’m a cardiac patient and have been on heart medication since my 20′s. My weight has prevented me from enjoying life in many, many ways. Before surgery, the cardiologist essentially threw up his hands and told me that if I didn’t lose weight, I could have a stroke. What do you do with that? What do you say?
If you’re new to this blog, you know I’ve had surgery, but you might not know what a miracle the entire process was. You can read about that in a previous blog post entitled, “What Kind of Love is This?”. My life is DRASTICALLY different now. Much of my physical pain has subsided (except for the kind that comes after strength training). I can stand and walk with relative ease. This is as close to “normal” as I’ve felt in a long time. I’m excited about this. The word “excited” is actually inadequate to describe how I feel about my current physical state. I’m very grateful.
“Normal” is a relative and dynamic. I understand this. For me, it’s a sense of physical well-being. It’s improved mobility. It’s walking into a room without drawing looks and unwanted attention. For others, it’s feeling comfortable in their clothes or addressing a medical issue and seeing results. Whatever “normal” is for you, pursue it. If your already feeling “normal”, cherish it and don’t take it for granted. I never will.
It’s common to strive for greatness. To do so is admirable. That being said, I’m learning more each day that my recent victories have been won in the ordinary and mundane aspects of life. For example, if I can make exercising daily, “normal”, eventually, it won’t be such a big deal. That’s alright with me. It’s actually perfect. When exercising is “normal”, losing weight won’t be such a chore. It will just happen.
I’m so grateful for “normal”. It’s such a wonderful, beautiful gift that I’m working diligently to embrace. I understand now that it’s why I started Fight4yourlife. It’s very obvious to me that I’m alive to help others aspire to live extraordinarily “normal” lives.
Photo Credit: CHEERFUL PEOPLE © Allegretto | Dreamstime.com
Photo Credit: DUMBBELL © Fritz Langmann | Dreamstime.com
Claim Your Beauty. Own Your Sexy.
Published September 25, 2011 | I’ve been talking a lot lately about feeling better in the skin I’m in. I’ve taken cues from Liz over at Big Beautiful Wellness on how to rock my sexy at whatever stage I’m at. I’m really working on that. I got some new bras on the way. I’m shopping for new undergarments to stuff my jigglies into…not because I’m ashamed of them, but because they keep moving when I stop and I’ve almost fallen over a couple of times. I have an ample amount of sexy junk in my trunk. It just needs to be tamed a bit, especially since surgery.
I think I’ve come to this crossroads in my life because of the changes that are taking place in my body. I can see shape. I can see curves. I can see me. More than that, though, I’m finally facing the self-loathing I’ve used as a crutch for so many years. Being fat, as mentally, emotionally, and physically damaging as it can be, would just be easier for me right now. There. I said it. I could keep wearing my tent dresses, eating bad food, and just give up. I’d go right back where I started, but “going gently into the dark night” would mean I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. I’m always fighting. Always.
That being said, there’s no way I’m going to stop now. I’ve always felt attractive, but I’m just starting to feel beautiful. I can see that I’m breaking into the realm of what’s “acceptable” or “normal”. I don’t get as many freakish stares when I walk through the doors of stores or restaurants. The migration of my lady parts and such moving southward has me kinda struggling with the sexy, but it doesn’t matter because, regardless of what I think, I’m starting to understand clearly that I’ve been beautiful and sexy all along. As crazy as it might seem to me, I am not deemed “normal” or “acceptable” because of what people say about me or because of how they “size” me up. I’ve always been acceptable because of the value that God placed on my life. Go figure.
I didn’t treat myself well in the past. I used my weight to justify accepting treatment and relationships that were bad for me. Why do we do this to ourselves? I made SO many bad decisions because I settled for what I could get. I won’t even get into the pressure from men in BBW Chatrooms and such. That’s a whole other post. Suffice it to say that I wish I’d known that my health was my business, my choice, and my responsibility. Any man who couldn’t accept that needed to kick rocks. I entertained some mess (like men pressuring me to stay big for their pleasure) and suffered for it.
Bottom line, at 565 lbs, I was sick, super morbidly obese, sexy, beautiful me. Now, I’m working on being the sick, super morbidly obese, sexy, beautiful, empowered, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthier me. How about you? Can we do this together? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I could sure use the support.